Kei Caddies for Deathshead


Kunoichi Kei gets out of class, turns her cap around and heads out to Montgolfier's Country Club to see if she can get her old summer job carrying golf bags.

Kunoichi Kei is now known as Caddie Kei.

Death on Tour hires a caddie to take a quick nine holes around the Eckner links.

Caddie Kei grins and hoists Flamebrain's bag over her shoulder. “I'd tee off with the spoon, sir.”

“The spoon. Don't we have a spork or a foon? Where's the hole again? I have no eyes.”

“No sir,” Caddie Kei replies. “Only that girl with the big head carries a spork...”

“You sure I don't need a Baffy?”

“You're baffy enough…” Caddie Kei hands bone daddy the spoon and gazes down the fairway from behind the tee to give him a lay of the land.

“Hold on a moment…” Death on Tour drains the synaptic patterns from a soon to unemployed pro, and whacks the ball like an orb out of hell. "Tally ho!"

“Nice shot! You're big hitter!” Kei grins.

“Oh Its a knack… admittedly it was someone else’s knack... but still…”

Caddie Kei grins and leads him to the ball. “Mashy maybe? With your length maybe the niblick...”

“The baffing spoon then it is.”

Caddie Kei rolls eyes.

Death on Tour invokes the eyes of some gophers to get a long view.

“Ok then, but you'll come up short.” Caddie Kei hands Death the baffy.

“Did I get you a razor-edged derby at all?” Death on Tour slices.

“Bah… Force of habit.” Death on Tour stomps off.

Kei winces. “Well that was a surgical strike if I ever saw one!”

Death on Tour views up the lie. “I do love a good lie. Often I say that to Princess. There's nothing like a good lie. William liked his new fangled titanium clubs.”

Caddie Kei checks the rules and notes under wet conditions it is acceptable for her to clean and replace Death's ball. “There you go... winter rules...”

“What from here, a Cleek? Mid Mashie?” asks Death. “Oh yes, except that Winter at Kursk. That didn't rule.”

“I'd try to punch a mid mashie to keep it under these overhanging tree limbs sir... but you don't want to get it up too quickly.”

Death on Tour recovers manfully, ticking the Dunlop up onto the green. “Always best to stitch up quick after a long slice my father used to say.”

“Wow,” Kei exclaims! “What a sweet poke! You knocked down the flag!”

“Yes, well when you play with William it’s best to do that, he gets all exited when he sees a flag and starts trying to claim things. Now shall I tin cup it, or actually just a putter and stop messing about?”

Caddie Kei giggles and hands Deathy the cleek. “Tap it in before the colonials decide to reinvent the game, sir.”

“Mind you Willy loves going for the hole in one. I suppose its Freudian. I suppose he doesn't understand the value of some good fresh air. And neither of course, do I.” Death on Tour’s cleek dips it with a flick into the hole. “I really must work on my habit for chopping.”

Caddie Kei grins and cleans club and ball. “Yes, you get muck in the grooves when you do that...”

Death on Tour 's shambolic Dunlop 50/50 looks about as legal as waterboarding. “I really should get some new ones one of these days. Where does one go to get some gutties?”

“Fleet Street,” Kei ventures?

“I hear Swift lives there,” quips Death. “She's scared of golf mind you…”

“Who knew they had cow pasture billiards in Tin Can Alley...” muses Kei.

“William plays with Penfold Bromford… and a handicap.”

“That guy who says "crumbs" after every shot?” Kei giggles.

“That's our William. Looks about the same as that too. Same round glasses.”

“He needs to work in a "splendid" or two...” Kei smirks.

Death on Tour checks pocket watch. “How many more of these do I need to knock into things before we get a toot at the 19th?”

“There's no set number on the "old" course, sir.”

“Well let’s call it a day and go and get toasted. Hold on.” Death on Tour taps into various golfers to play the rest of his card. “That fills out the legalities. Doubles all round.”

Caddie Kei co-signs card and gets paid. “Yay!”

“Odd that almost no one plays the Eckner except me, and the occasional shambling undead. Put yourself down for a tip.”

“Woohoo!” Caddie Kei adds a modest sum for nation building.

“Well everyone needs a nation. Have you thought of something in mitteleuropa? Death on Tour lounges at the course bar, which being well outside city limits is acceptable, briefly. Death on Tour navigates the difficulties in having a brandy while his head's on fire with aplomb. “Hmmm?”

Caddie Kei blinks at Death in consternation.

DDSTVairship readies water cannon just in case.

“Oh pish posh, everyone gets so het up about airships, and I'd be churlish to point out what happens when planes crash into things. I suppose at some critical point, say the club challenge, I'll have to go and rescue Willy.”

Caddie Kei grins and gets a soda pop. “It's the right thing to do... he's a legacy you know... they even have an old painting of him in the Stuffy Room... so I'm told.”

“His collection of Hornby Trains is in mint condition,” muses Death. “Assuming they weren't in Bale-a-lu mind you.”

Caddie Kei gives Death a sideways glance. “I'd never sneak in the member's only areas of course…”

“As the Bishop said to the actress.” Death on Tour socket waggles. “I wonder if its time to mention I've seen Bale-a-lu to anyone?”

Caddie Kei laughs and bounces off as she gets called for another ride. “See you, sir... ask for me anytime... I'm Kei... Caddie Kei!”

(April 2008)